Love is a double edged sword; there is always a risk of hurting yourself depending on how you choose to weld it.
Born into a house of selfless love, I was shielded from dangers. Ironically, this had led to learning many life lessons the hard way. Eg, boundaries with people. No doubt, this does sound strange. How does this protection lead to boundary issues?
When young, hanging out with friends after school could only be a dream. It was a rule to comply to be back home within 1 hour after school ended. Being a kid that enjoys company, it is an absolute happiness and privilege when school decides to cancel extra curriculum so I could use the hours to hang out with friends in school. I did not have many friends in school because young kids are mean and some of them do not want to be friends if you do not want to hang out together.
I had a best friend and we hung out everyday at school during school hours. Really cherished her and we could talk about anything under the sun. Until one day, she confessed that she hated me. Not because of something that I had done but because I was getting too much “attention”. She hated the fact that I was more popular than her in the friend group and people approached me more than her. It came as an absolute shock because never have I ever thought that I was the more popular one. She was a head prefect with excellent school performance, well loved and liked by teachers and peers. Furthermore, how could she hate me for something that I did not do?
Silly me, I chose to continue to befriend her. All because I was afraid that I would lose this precious friend of mine since I did not have many friends to begin with. Perhaps there was when the people pleasing trait of mine began. I just wanted to keep friends and not lose them.
Upon sharing this incident with my loved ones at home, I was called stupid and that the friendship should had ended off. I was hurt. But guess the young Jov felt that friendship held a higher importance. Thinking back, it was very silly of me.
When going into the first serious relationship, it was met with strong objections because he was not good enough for me. Many times there were hard decisions to choose between family and love. Guess that was when the toxic trait of stonewalling began. I chose to isolate myself and stop sharing about myself. I hated the fact that the sharing I had with my trusted ones were used back against me.
Honestly ngl was quite blinded by the relationship because that was the first time someone showered me with all the love and attention that I craved for. When the relationship was failing the people pleaser trait of mine was screaming to appease to the former partner in order to save the attention that I finally had. Looking back, no doubt we were an absolute disaster for one another, but things could have ended better without much external interference. My only regret is to not end it earlier and that I foolishly went back to the vicious cycle a second time.
Now I am on my bed thinking, instead of being overly protected at young age, could the outcome for all the boundary issues be better managed should I be given the chance to explore difficulties by myself? I am blessed and showered with love since birth, but there is a lot of catching up on life lessons because of my foolishness to seek validation.
