Gone.

Hey there again! It's almost a year since my last update about him.

Long story short, we went our separate ways. As much as I didn't want to, it wasn't something that was easy for me to decide on.

If you had seen my previous post, you would roughly have an idea how my relationship with him was like. The one that I loved so much is no longer in my life.

So, the next question is: Why did that happen?
Trust me when I say this, but I honestly don't know. Was it because he was bored of me? Was it because I was too much to handle? Or was it because of our differences? As much as I would want to know what caused the indifferent in his behaviour, high chances are I may just die without the reason revealed.

Personally I felt that all hell went down during his internship period. He was struggling with balancing his work and life, which caused a lot of stress on his mental health. I wasn't aware of his issue until he finally told me about it 3/4 into his internship. We had a huge fight that day and that's when he finally told me his struggles. Being there for him was one thing, but understanding the way he felt was another. Truthfully, my first response in my head was: "What? That's not even close to how I feel during intern." It honestly wasn't even as bad as what many other students faced during internship. And I can swear that my intern experience was at least 2x worse than what he encountered. Despite saying this, I felt very useless to not be able to understand his feelings. Everyone has their limits to the stress they can tolerate, and I guess that was something that affected him too much to the point where depression kicked in. Until this day, I'm still really sorry that I couldn't understand how he felt, or how I could help to alleviate the pain he was in.

After internship ended was when everything got worse.
This time round we spent a total of a month away from each other. In that whole month, there were very minimal contact (messages or updates), no calls, no efforts given. It got me to the point where I was very depressed and desperate to look for any sort of comfort from him. Yet, there were none. We had always agreed on being open on our feelings and thoughts, so to improve on our communication and understanding in the relationship. Sadly, it felt like a one-way effort from me throughout this entire challenge. No matter how much and hard I tried to convince him that I am on the verge of breaking down, it didn't really cause any significant change to how he treat the issue. He simply couldn't care nor explain anything; he was simply "too busy" to make time for me (quoted).

That's when I decided that I had to walk away, for the first time since I had fallen in love with him. I couldn't endure how he simply doesn't care about my feelings anymore. Like what people always say, you wouldn't know the importance of someone until they walk away. And that was when he decided to explain what was going on. In order to obtain his dream internship position for the next period, he had to volunteered for school events to get on the good side. You may say that, "hey Jov, kinda unreasonable to pick on him for this issue" Yeap, I agree but it wasn't fair to me that he justified his behaviour with this reason alone. What happened to agreeing to improve on our communications? How can you justify the torture you had given with "oh it's for my future"?

As silly as I could get, I trusted him with another chance to hurt me.
That was after we reconciled and finally set up the long-awaited date I had been hoping for. Sadly and predictably, the date did not even happen due to his part. I was furious, mad, upset, disappointed, out of options, whatever you name it.  I tried to walk away the second time, blocked and ignored, I rejected all communications with him. Pretty determined to cut-off all ties with him until my bestf convinced me to hear him out. I wouldn't say it was my bestf's fault that gave him a third chance to destroy me, but looking back, I really wished that bestf didn't convince me to give him a chance to hear him out again.

We reconciled, again, and many words were promised, TIME in particular. He promised that he would be giving me more time after his trip to Russia. As predicted, he didn't keep to his words. Until the day we ended things for good, he couldn't give me his time sincerely.

The third big wave of fight happened after his school trip. I chanced upon this photo of him being carrying the girl that happened to be on the trip as well. I was pretty overwhelmed with emotions and confronted him about it. He claimed to be an innocent photo taking but we all know it wasn't that case. The girl, let's name her G, clearly made used of him to poke some emotions out of her boyf since they were going thru a rough time. G had some scandalous events (which I choose not to reveal) that had everyone who went on the trip to list her as a bitch/slut. Unfortunately, the man I loved couldn't see it and remain his stand on the situation. What hurt me most was he tried to defend himself by saying "you didn't ask for permission to stalk her". Oh, so my place in your heart weighs lesser than the girl that you barely knew for a month... now i know. He promised to cut her entirely off if I wish to but y'know, that was just all talks to keep me by his side temporarily.

We continued our relationship until the start of this year. Bruised all over, there were little commitments left in our relationship. I could sense that he was tired of the relationship and couldn't be bothered by the any sort of problems any longer. I was in great denial. I didn't want to lose him. The person I loved turned into someone that I no longer understand, no longer recognise.

What drew the last straw was his behaviour towards our final argument.
We were supposed to go on a date that I had been looking forward to for a week. That fateful morning when I woke up, he cancelled on me last minute to go for an event that he forgotten that he signed up for. After a series of disagreements, the final question from me was "Do you still want us?", and the reply was simply "I'll talk to you after my event ends". I was just out of words to describe how I felt that day. Simply dumbfounded. That was his attitude towards our issue. Since it wasn't so much of an issue for him to deal with, I couldn't accept his attitude anymore. I call it offs and walked away from my greatest love.

Looking back, he probably planned the last argument. It's just very sad that he couldn't man up and break up with me like how a man would. The only thing I can say is I achieved well in was the promise I made to him, that I wouldn't throw him away unless he does.