Happier.

There were a lot of internal struggles with my inner demons for the past few months. As silly as it may sound, I fell to my lowest point in my life right before my exams started. People who understand me would know how much I reject the idea of ending ownself's life. Ironically, during my lowest point of my life, the thought of ending life cross my mind for the very first time. And honestly, I never thought that I would ever fall into that despair.

The thought happened not because I was sick and tired of life, not because I find no more purpose in life. It was to stop the pains that I was feeling. I wanted to stop feeling. I wanted to stop crying. There wasn't a day that went by without crying myself to sleep. There wasn't a day that went by not doubting my worth. There wasn't a day that went by I didn't wake up without swollen eyes. I was in agony, pain, I am always on the verge of breaking down. I plagued myself with self-doubts, I doubted my worth, doubted my abilities, doubted my existence.

I stopped talking to everyone. Conversations seemed so darn meaningless. School was just a place that stressed me even more. Assignments were piling up. Everything around me was falling apart. I couldn't keep up with the stress and responsibilities that were on me. My world was crumbling down. The moment I close my eyes tears follows like natural reflexes. The only way to sleep was to cry until I was exhausted. It was mentally and physically draining. There was nothing that could pull me back up from my crumbling state. Nothing was there to motivate me, nothing was there to encourage me to get better. Pain flowing everywhere in my body, I wanted it to stop. Somehow.. ending my life seemed like the best way to stop all the pain. I was desperate. Assignments were due, exams were around the corner.

Truth to be told, without my close friends, I would definitely still be in the lowest. The best decision I made in the year is to break away from the toxic relationship, followed by going China for summer school.

There were so much peace staying for the 2 months in China. There were so much room for self-reflection and self-love. There were nothing but joy in the trip. Post-trip emotions are happier compared to pre-trip. I had my life sorted out. I've finally sort out what I want to do in life, what actually makes me happy and what doesn't. The trip really helped me figure out what life mean. I can't really say that I am healed, but I'm definitely healing and things are getting better.

Here's what I realise:
I receive energy by hanging out with people. I enjoy going out, hanging out with people, doing outdoor activities. As an extrovert, staying indoors for an extended period of time is suffocating. I love heading out for adventures; I love spending time under the sun; I love spontaneous activities. I want to do things that scares me; I want to go to places and to travel; I want to meet people that surprise me with their wisdom and positivity.
I spent too much time trapped under negativity energy to actually think that abusive actions against me were alright. Even though the abuses were never physical, it strained my emotional health and mental health and caused myself so much unhappiness that I wasn't even aware of until I had a time off to summer school. Sad to say, the damage has been done. The damage was too much and it doesn't even matter how loving we once were, the good memories can't sustain any pleasant thought of us. Alas, I can only try to fix whatever there is left of me. It saddens me at the same time because I know I can never give my fullest potential to love my next partner the way he deserves to be loved. I hope my future partner can forgive me.. and that's if I ever can fully break down my walls to a person ever again.