Never in my life that I would see myself in this state that I'm in right now. Broke down the first time this year and many more episodes came after. There were so many days that I sobbed silently in the darkness so my cries won't wake my sister up. It honestly suck. So many sleepless nights for the same damn reason. Images of him just keep appearing in my head. Scenarios of "what ifs" played through my mind. Whenever alone, I can't stop thinking about us. Like what if we're still together right now? How will we be? What if we had settled things better that day? What if we were more mature in handling our issues? What if I had insisted on walking away the very first time he broke my heart? Will I be suffering like I am right now? What if I have a incident, just severe enough to have a memory loss that forget about us?
Some days he meant nothing; some days he became the reason for my tears; some days he turned into my motivation to become a better person; some days I feel absolutely nothing, literally feeling nothing. Okay, maybe most days i feel nothing, no sadness no happiness literally nothing I could feel.
Really thought that my wounds had recovered, or healed a little at least. But hey, I guess it did not. Receiving the texts from him, I wish it didn't happen. The wounds opened once again, it's another episode of Jov falling apart... Made so much efforts to recover from the fall, but nope they just went down the drain when his name appeared on my phone screen once again.
As much as the urge to reply is strong, I knew that I mustn't. After that day, there isn't a day that went by for me pretending to be happy. It's just much simpler than explaining to people why I'm always sad. People say should your eyelash fall, you should make a wish. Silly as it sound, whenever there's a chance to make a wish, his name appears and yes, I still waste my wishes on him. Don't be mistaken, the wishes isn't for him to come back to my life. Always, without fail, I wish that he can be happy.
during our honeymoon period, I always wished "for us to always be happy"
when we were falling apart, I wished "for us to be happy in our own ways, in the ways that will be the best for us"
after that day, "please just let him be happy, and i'll be
So what am I suppose to say to his message? "Hi, im doing great, i hope you're doing good too"? I'll definitely be lying if I reply that because I'm far from being great. The thought of him being together with someone else will kill me. The thought that some other girl out there is the reason for his happiness is gonna kill me too.
Or am i suppose to say "hey i'm not that great at the moment. wish we can go back to how we were"? It's just not advisable to move back to a toxic relationship. Whoever's reading this post might be laughing. But hey, what can I do? Nothing. I'm just a loser stuck on her past, a girl who can't be certain of her feelings, a person who wanted someone that couldn't love her genuinely - despite knowing it deep down me, a girl who refused to face the music that her love will never be reciprocated.
I hate myself.
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