Forgiveness without reconciliation

I pondered hard and wondered hard if I should forgive this person.

So much went through my mind in the short span of 6 hours.
“Does this person deserve my forgiveness?”
“Does he actually mean what he says?”
“Is this person really remorseful of his actions?”
And honestly, I only came up with “I don’t know” to all of the questions above.

Truth to be told, I didn’t want to reply anything back. I wanted him to feel guilt for all he had done. I wanted him to hurt like how I was. I wanted him to feel pain just like how my heart ached.
I wanted to be like him, or rather, be all of them who gave hurt and pain without batting an eye. I was eager to hurt him.

But I just couldn’t do it.
After experiencing betrayals and letdowns, I just couldn’t stand the thought of hurting someone else. I know how hurtful it could be. All the tears I cried, all the sleepless nights I forced myself to not cry, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t justify why I should direct my pain back to the one who caused it.

Hence, I made peace with forgiveness without reconciliation.
Simply put, I forgive everyone who did me wrong in the past. But I would prefer your absence in the current stage of my life. The absence brought me peace and I hope to do the healing at my own pace. For that, I thank you all for the lessons taught.